I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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