Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
