oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
