I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize