i just wanna soil my oats bro
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
