If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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