oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
