And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
