By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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