even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
