Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
