I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
