shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
