we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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