So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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