I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
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Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
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After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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