it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
