The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
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My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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