just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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