My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
