fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
33 Sex Crazed People That Are Going Balls Deep
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
21 Family Members Confess The Creepiest Things They Know About a Relative
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA