I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
