I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
