I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
