i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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