I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
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i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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