I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
