Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
