I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
