my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
