I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
