my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
