Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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