i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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