I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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