I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
