I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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