when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
