The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
as a side note pls kill me
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
