FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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