You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.