Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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