I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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