We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
