just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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