Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
