So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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