6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
