He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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