I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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