if only i could text you this smell
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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