Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
