well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
