Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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