Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
