After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
