I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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