I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
