She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
